Gretchen's Blog

Would you like a tool for CHANGE to get you to your HAPPY PLACE this summer?

2011-06-07T16:54:00.008-04:00

Are you the happiest person you know?
Do you wake up each morning with a smile?
Do you feel absolutely free to be and do what you really want? Would you like to?

Or are you too trapped in the day-to-day grind? Chasing the bigger and better everything? Trapped under a heavy weight of responsibility, or an inability to imagine life any other way—because you’ve been taught that this is what successful people do?

But in reality what you’ve become is burned out, busy and tired of chasing the someday when you’ll have enough of X to be happy, be free and feel successful. You want the day you finally feel like you’ve made it to be today!

Today is your lucky day! This blog is actually a winning lottery ticket of happiness that I am beyond thrilled to be sending to you—with the message that today is the day you can have finally have it all, without having to become emotionally and spiritually bankrupt in the process.

Check out this video and claim your ticket to happy and free.

Click here for video: https://expanding.infusionsoft.com/link/2293ad5ba0/1ef0d660

The two women in the video are Christine Arylo and Gabrielle Bernstein.

Christine is former stressed-out achievement junkie and executive workaholic, and

Gabby is a former strung-out NYC party girl/publicist.

Over six years ago, they both cashed in their tickets to Burnout City, turned their ideas about success inside out, and became two of the happiest and freest people I know.

They also happen to be two of the most inspiring and transformational teachers I know. Christine and Gabby each have written life-changing books, spoken to audiences around the world and have dedicated their lives to showing people how to free themselves from the limitations that keep them from having what they really want. They walk their talk every day. They’re living it.

And no, they didn’t cash it all in and move to a mountaintop or start tie-dying their designer handbags. What they did was stop listening to the wrong people, stop thinking the wrong thoughts, and start learning how real success & happiness happens.

This summer, on June 9th, they are hosting a FREE Transformational Conversation that will blow your mind, open you heart and get your happy & free meter revving on high.

They are coming full out to share the 3 Keys to Having It All! Happiness, Love, Freedom and Success … the same three keys they used. I’ll be there, and you’ll definitely want to be there too!

Sign up now for the FREE 90-Transformative Call on June 9th. [LINK]

Signing up takes 10 seconds, and you’ll be so grateful you did.

And no sweat if you can’t make it live. Sign up [LINK] and Gabby and Christine will shoot you a recording after the call.

Never thought you’d be the happiest person you know? Get ready to change your mind.

With love,
Gretchen

P.S. I get a lot of invitations to attend calls like this, but this one is special. Gabby & Christine are powerhouses of inspiration, so I know just being on the call LIVE! with them is going to open me up to a world of freedom and happiness—that definitely will have me waking up with a smile in the morning. Join me! Grab your spot now! [LINK]

Could the Feeling of Obligation Be Telling You that you Need Healing?

2010-09-15T11:36:00.012-04:00

From the time we wake up our brain starts working. Davidji from the Chopra Center says we have 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts EVERY DAY! Some of these thoughts are empowering, loving, positive, inspiring, creative.. the "good stuff". Some are neutral - "take out the trash", "time to eat breakfast". And some are yucky, they suck the wind right out of you, drop your energy way down, move your focus to a place you just don't want to go.

Life-sucking, negative thoughts can be examined and quieted. We can chose to look at them and say "Hey, where did you come from?" so that they don't take over our entire body and take us somewhere we don't want to go. There is a voice, a.k.a. an "Inner Mean Girl/Boy," that brings these thoughts into our consciousness.

Probably my most troublesome "Inner Mean Girl" (or IMG) message is related to a feeling of obligation, the "should" feeling, even when it's something I don't want to do. She tells me “You love them. Do what they want.”

It's not a big deal when it's something small, like my daughter says "Hey, Mom, can you drive me to Catherine's house?". My first reaction is to say "yes", before I even think of what I'm doing at the time. I just love to give to those I love. But I have learned to think first, see if it works for me, if the timing is not good then try to find a compromise, and if we can't work it out, I can just say "no" without guilt.

Feelings of obligation can act as a wake-up call to look at what we are bringing up from our past and they provide an opportunity to make new choices to evolve into the person we want to be, not who we were before. And sometimes we decide that the “obligation” really is in-line with our values and priorities and that we are willing to make a sacrifice this time.

But when this feeling of obligation causes you to go too far and betray your values and your sense of self, that's dangerous. Fear of conflict, of being wrong, of disapproval, of losing the relationship, of being abandoned... these fears used to rule my life, and since I did not know how to handle the intense fear and anxiety, I didn't take the opportunity to change. I felt I had to "obey" the other person, not me. I didn't know how to change or how to endure the fears and work through them. So I remained stuck in the beliefs that the other person was more important, they knew better, or even if I knew they didn't I would not speak up. This caused me not to trust myself and left an unspoken resentment towards the other person. And great confusion and anxiety. These feelings still come up, but I am aware now and making better choices. I'm also less "fearful of fear", as I have tools to work through it.

I was never taught to have healthy, strong boundaries as part of my make-up. My perceived need for connection and approval and making life "easier" for others is overdeveloped, while my need for self-expression and using my voice to have my life reflect what I want and intend is underdeveloped. This can be called "codependency", "attachment", "weak boundaries", “enabling” and also reflects low self-love.

After much digging into my past, I have learned that its' origin is not "my fault". When I was very young my role in my family, as placed on me by my parents, was to play watch-dog to my alcoholic and bipolar mother. I was to stay with her and watch her and make sure things didn't get too out of hand - or if they did, I was to get help. I was never told this in words, I was told with actions. My parents and brothers knew that Gretchen had to go with Mom when she'd go out driving drunk, "just in case". Fortunately, we never crashed. Unfortunately, there were other, even more dysfunctional situations that I was placed in. It's enough to say that they were traumatic, and not good for me.

After enduring 19 years in a marriage where I was not honoured, despite many attempts to "fix" him and the marriage including therapy sessions, I began to seek answers through Ala-Non's Adult Children of Alcoholics program. I have also found answers, healing and peace through individuals, books, meditation, and wonderful educational tools like the "Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse". The Cleanse inspired this blog, as this week's teleseminar topic is "Obligation".

My intense desire to find joy and healthy love for myself and others has made change mandatory. I have healed a great deal and I am finding healthy ways to acknowledge and deal with my fears and overcome them. I love life and I am proud of myself. I am learning how to create the life of my intentions with greater joy and purpose every day. I have big plans and goals and I am able to move forward with resilience to make them happen.

I share my experience to help others who may be feeling intense anxiety when they get these feelings of "obligation" and they really don't know if it's normal, if they should just give-in, if they are just not "loving enough". Many situations can result in codependency, not just having an alcoholic parent. It can develop from misunderstood religious guidance, a parent who is very angry and emotionally abusive, a parent with a compulsive disorder, a very manipulative boss, friend or partner, or even just from society's confusing views of what it means to be a "good woman" or to be "loving". If you don't learn how to have boundaries you can live a life with great confusion, hurt, sadness, depression, low self-esteem and feeling that you don't and can't have control in your life, that you can't trust yourself, the world or a higher power/God. But you can learn to trust yourself, your higher power and the world, and learn who and what not to trust ~ and have great joy and peace.

Register for the Free 40-Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse now at: https://wakeupcall.infusionsoft.com/go/imgc/Gretchen/

Note: I am participating in the Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse as a Self-Love Ambassador. To thank me for my participation, I will receive a self-love gift from the founders of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School.

Check out: Step Out of the Rush and Into Relaxed Living by Guy Finley

2010-09-12T14:02:00.003-04:00

Hi,

I recently heard a great interview with Guy Finley then saw this post that I thought was worthwhile: Step Out of the Rush and Into Relaxed Living by Guy Finley

All the best,

Gretchen

Comparing Yourself to Others: Don't Let This Toxic Habit Bury YOU!

2010-09-01T16:08:00.008-04:00

Yesterday I was pondering the topic of Comparison and thought, "well, I can't really see where I do that...".

And then today I watched the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse video with Christine and Amy on the subject and had a big "OMG" moment. I have been seeing all the posts from amazing women who are part of the Cleanse and how they are tweeting and blogging and have these wonderful groups they have started and companies, and how they have these wonderful children and loving marriages... And the more I read, the more I unconsciously compared myself in my head and thought "I'm not even tweeting at all, my blogs are too infrequent, I need a new website, I didn't finish some important stuff on my to-do list last week....." and the list got longer and heavier and I buried myself to the point of utter despair! The weight my Inner Mean Girl stacked on top of me made me think there was no way I could catch up or do things that were as worthwhile as these women, so why even try?

I'm SO glad that this topic stopped me in my tracks and allowed me to see how I was defeating and disempowering the capable, accomplished, worthwhile Gretchen! She didn't deserve to be made to feel like less, like not enough!

So as I am writing this I am creeping out from under this suffocating pile of defeat and crawling to an open space to breath and use the Gratitude technique. As I stand on my feet and stretch my arms to the sky, feeling the sun on my face, I remind myself: I am open to creating positive change in my life despite my fears, and this receptivity led me to find and learn first from Christine and then Amy. And I generously share things that have helped me with my friends and on Facebook. And on top of that I have attracted the most supportive, loving, strong, brilliant friends that anyone could ever ask for.

So I now praise these wonderful women who are tweeting, blogging, websiting (?), and providing such great examples to their children. They/You serve as inspiration for me and I am very happy for them/you in these accomplishments!

That feels SO much better! Thank you to each of you and to all involved in this journey.

Amen. : )

Not yet registered for the FREE 40-Day Cleanse? Register now at: https://wakeupcall.infusionsoft.com/go/imgc/Gretchen/

Note: I am participating in the Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse as a Self-Love Ambassador. To thank me for my participation, I will receive a self-love gift from the founders of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School.

FREE 40-Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse - Don't miss it!

2010-08-24T13:32:00.016-04:00

In December, 2009, I came across an article posted on the VividLife.me page on Facebook entitled “How to Have a Holiday Season Without Obligation” by Christine Arylo. The advice was brave and honest about spending a guilt-free holiday full of joy, to “step forward this year with love in your heart, truth in your soul, and spend your holidays your way – whatever that looks like for you. Be real. Be wise. Be you.”

I thought “Wow! This woman really gets being authentic and happy without letting others bully you into guilt. I want to hear more!” I then found Christine’s Inner Mean Girl information website and also watched her great videos about “Choosing Me Before We”. I had to buy the book and the great necklace with the heart on one side and the word “me” on the other. At age 46, it was finally time for me to really learn to love myself and Christine became a big part of teaching me exactly how to do that.

I attended the “Summer of Love” tele-seminar program of Christine’s and heard Amy Ahler’s excellent talk on the “Big, Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves”, and knew that this taste of information on how to stop allowing my inner mean girl to sabatoge me was not enough, I wanted MORE! So I had to register for the 40-Day cleanse in as a warm-up to the next Inner Mean Girl Reform School.

My expectations for myself with the cleanse are: to dig deep and identify the lies that are ruling my life so I can befriend my Inner Mean Girl and make her work for me, rather than against me. I know I can make quantum leaps in my self-love, peace and happiness when I don’t have conflicting beliefs that keep me from the love, higher awareness, empowerment, connection with others and satisfaction of contributing my gifts to the world.

Please join me as I begin to remove self-sabotaging habits and embrace self-loving habits by attending:

The FREE Inner Mean Girl Cleanse 40-day Self-Love Practice.

Register now at: https://wakeupcall.infusionsoft.com/go/imgc/Gretchen/

Starting Wednesday, August 25th!

LIVE! Launch Call with SARK, Best-selling author of Succulent Wild Woman (and 10 other books), transformational teacher, and queen of radical self-care
– 10am PST / 1pm EST / 5pm GMT –

Take this cleanse and you will:

• Be guided by experts, Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers – master coaches & co-founders of Inner Mean Girl Reform School) that inspire and challenge you
• Be taught by 6 other master teachers and authors on shifting toxic habits weighing you down: Gossip, Comparison, Judgment, Expectations and Obligations
• Release bad habits that block deeper female connections (we need each other to survive this crazy world!)
• Pick up and strengthen habits that fuel you vs. drain you (who couldn’t use more good energy these days?)

https://wakeupcall.infusionsoft.com/go/imgc/Gretchen/

And best of all, you will integrate these habits into your daily rhythm without having to put another to-do on your list. And, the IMG Cleanse is FREE! We believe so strongly that women want and need this shift that we are offering this 40-day cleanse for free for the first time ever.

https://wakeupcall.infusionsoft.com/go/imgc/Gretchen/

Let the cleanse BEGIN!

All the best,

Gretchen Casey

Part 14 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-08-15T23:10:00.003-04:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 16 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 16: Set Your Own Goals

Well, it's so fitting that I would be writing about this chapter at this time, as I just finished my Mind Movie. It's a movie of my "worthy ideal", my goals and dreams with my photos, affirmations with inspiring music (I picked U2's "Pride: In the Name of Love".) (If you'd like to get 6 free mind movies, watch some cool videos with goal setting gurus John Assaraf, Bob Proctor, Joe Vitale and more, and also learn about Tapping, go to: www.mindmovies.com/mm20videoseries/bob-proctor.php.)

What I love about this chapter is that it says something so simple yet so profound: if we set goals, then things can change. And we can co-create good things by focusing on our lives rather than focusing on other people. (p.169) We can take back our lives. Setting goals and taking action to achieve them puts us in the drivers seat, we acknowledge that we are not victims, that we can be "less worried about solving problems because we've turned out problems into goals." (p.170) And it's fun and purposeful.

Having goals that you surrender to creates clarity in your life. "When you surrender to your goal, the goals works itself into your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind is always in balance. Your conscious mind is not, unless it is in tune with what your subconscious mind is thinking. Without full cooperation from the subconscious mind, a person is hesitant, confused, indecisive. Now, with your goal absorbed into your subconscious mind you react the right way automatically. The conscious mind is free for clear, straight thinking." (p.171)

A few suggestions from my experience on setting goals is you have to give up that "need to be perfect". Just get started, right stuff down, anything. And it's okay if your goals change next week - or tomorrow! As we evolve, learn, grown, have experiences, they WILL change, and that's fine and normal! And don't make your goals based on what someone else thinks you should do or is pressuring you into or "it would make them so happy if I...". Base your goals on what you want and desire. Part of that can include things like better relationships or contributing to our planet, but do it because YOU want that as a goal. Get what I'm saying?

Melody has great ideas to get us started:

1) Turn everything into a goal. If you want something, make it a goal. "If it bothers us, make it a goal. If we're aware something needs to be changed, make it a goal." (p.172)

2) Omit the shoulds. "Make it a goal to get rid of 75% of our shoulds." (p.172)

3) Don't limit ourselves. "Don't worry, if we're not supposed to have it, we won't. If we are supposed to have it, I believe we'll stand an improved chance of getting it by turning it into a goal." (p.172)

4) Write our goals on paper. "We worry less, we have less to think about, and it gives focus and organization to our goals... and helps us direct our energy and to be in contact with our Higher Power." (p.172)

5) Commit our written goals to God. "Tell God these are the things we're interested in, ask for his help, then surrender humbly. They will be done, not mine." (p.172)

6) Let go. "Keep our goals close, where we can look at them as we need to but don't worry and obsess about how, when, if and what if... Try to not control or force." (p.172)

7) Do what we can, one day at a time. "If it's time to do something, we'll know. It it's time for something to happen, it will. Trust ourselves and God." (p.173)

8) Set goals regularly and as needed. "If I'm facing a problem, spot a need, feel a new want, I turn it into a goal and add it to my list. I also use goals to get me through crisis times, when I'm feeling shaky. Then, I write down all the things I want and need to accomplish on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis." (p.173)

9) Check off the goals we reach. "When this happens, cross off that goal, congratulate ourselves and thank God. We will gain confidence in ourselves, in goal setting, in God, and in the rhythm of life this way." (p.173) "Problems arise. Problems get solved... Good things happen. Then, more problems arise. But it's all okay." (p.174)

10) Be patient. "I've started to realize that waiting in an art, that waiting achieve things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall." (p.174, Dennis Wholey, "The Courage to Change")

And you gotta' love this:

"If you don't have any goals, make your first goal 'getting some goals'!" No matter where you start, it's the right place!

I want to close with an amazing definition that I learned from Christine Arylo during her Summer of Love teleseminar recently.

‎"Self Love: the unconditional love and unconditional respect you have for yourself that is so deep, so unwavering and so solid that you only put yourself into situations and relationships (including the one you have with yourself) that reflects that same unconditional love and respect."

Setting goals is an act of self-love.

All the best to you as you are writing your goals,

Gretchen

Part 13 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-06-13T20:16:00.004-04:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 15 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 15: Yes, You Can Think

"The purpose of this chapter is to tell you that you can think , you can figure things out, and you can make decisions - good, healthy decisions." (p.164)

When living with an alcoholic, now or in the past, the crazy lives we live have taught us to feel we can't trust ourselves, we are ruled by fears and we get stuck in feelings of indecisiveness or ambivalence (the coexistence in one person of opposite feelings toward the same objective).

But we CAN trust ourselves. Louise Hay points out in her CD "Embracing Change": "If you promise yourself something, honor it and follow-through. We must have self-respect. You cannot have self respect if you break your promises to yourself. Do not make a promise that you know you do not want to keep. If you never trust yourself you will never trust life." (CD 2, 1997) She also points out that if you are not there yet, don't scold yourself. "When you are scolded it’s hard to make changes, when you are loved it’s easy to make changes." (CD 2, 1997)

"For a variety of reasons, we may have lost faith in our ability to think and reason things out. Believing lies, lying to ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think." (p.164)

Melody points out all of the many ways we sabotage our thinking and our confidence, including overreacting, worrying about other's opinions of us, feeling we have to be perfect, telling ourselves to hurry, hating ourselves, worrying about "what ifs", worrying and obsessing..." (p.164-165)

But "Remember, decisions don't have to be made perfectly. We don't have to be perfect. We don't even have to be nearly perfect. We can just be who we are. We can make mistakes in our choices. We're not so fragile we can't handle making a mistake. It's no big deal! It's part of living. We can learn from our mistakes, or we can simply make another decision." (p.165)

"We can even change our minds. Then change them again. Then again. Codependents vacillate. As codependents, we are in the midst of upsetting situations. We may go back and forth a lot; we may throw the alcoholic out, then take him back. We may leave, then come back, then leave again. This is how we get to where we're going. It's okay. Let's take it one step further - it's normal and often necessary." (p.165-166)

I have found a great many resources on making decisions and changing your thinking and your limiting beliefs. But one I am currently reading and find to be very helpful with specific suggestions is "It's Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change" by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. She teaches the 3 secrets of resilience, how to let go and move on, and how to "train your brain for success".

(Just ask me if you'd like to know of other authors or methods that I've found effective. There are also great resources on living your authentic self - Melissa Etheridge is one of the great resources on this topic - and following your intuition.)

Melody suggest the following "may help us gain confidence in our mental abilities":
(Please see the book for more detail!)

Treat our minds to some peace. Detach. Get calm.

As God to help us think. Ask Him to give me the right thought, word or action. Ask Him to send His inspiration and guidance. Ask Him to "Help me solve my problems".

Quit abusing our minds. Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things.

Feed our minds. Give our mind information. We will come up with good answers and solutions.

Feed our minds healthy thoughts. Affirmations are wonderful, among other things.

Stretch our minds. Learn something new. Take a class.

Quit saying bad things about our minds.

Use our minds. We're not victims. We can take possession of our power to think.

(All from p.166-167)

You are thinking now, you are educating yourself and opening your mind by reading this blog. I appreciate your co-creative thinking with me!

All the best.

Part 12 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-04-22T16:43:00.006-04:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 14 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.

Chapter 14: Anger

"It is okay to feel angry when we need to." (p.160) Melody ends this chapter with this statement, and allowing yourself to believe and know this is key to becoming healthy.

"Anger is one profound effect of alcoholism. It is also an effect of many of the other compulsive disorders or problems codependents find themselves living with." (p.157)

I know from experience that when you have frequently witnessed extreme angry outbursts and violence from an alcoholic parent growing up or from someone else in the past or present, this does effect you! The fear associated with these experiences can cause you to have such great anxiety with situations of conflict, even those that are not extreme or violent, that you do anything you can to avoid being true to what you think or feel for fear of conflict or disapproval. You fear using your voice, following your intuition or just being you. And "repressed anger, like other repressed emotions, causes problems." (p.156)

Most of us have never learned to deal with anger. We wonder why we feel it, how can we deal with it, how can we feel better, and "what's wrong with me?" (p.156)

"We can repeat it to ourselves as often as necessary: There's nothing wrong with us... (and if you are living with active alcoholism or other compulsive or personality disorder), of course you are angry!" (p.156)

Melody does a fantastic job of describing and explaining the sources, relationship with, feelings about and outcomes of a codependent's expressed and unexpressed anger. She lists the limiting myths and beliefs we have about anger. (p.153-154) She also lists 13 ways to deal with anger (p.158 - 160), which I will list at the end of the blog. This is life-saving information, as it will help you to get your life back when you change your beliefs and habits.

Something that I have found crucial on my journey to clarity and bliss is not only to understand your own subconscious limiting beliefs and paradigms around anger, but also to replace them in your subconscious with NEW, empowering beliefs such as:

* It's okay to feel angry.

* I can handle my anger in a healthy way.

* Feeling anger is a sign that something is wrong and should be listened to and examined to determine the "next step".

* The feeling of anger can allow me to regain a sense of power, allowing depression and powerlessness to lift. Anger feels better than depression and hopelessness. It is important not to get stuck by remaining in this feeling of anger too long, but from an angry place I can move to relieving my frustration and move up "the emotional scale" to regain control and feel better. (From "Ask and It is Given, Learning to Manifest Your Dreams", p.116-118, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.")

* Just because someone gets angry at me does not mean I have done something "wrong". It could mean they are wanting to avoid dealing with their own problems. It is not my job to fix someone else or their problems. It is not my responsibility to make another person feel better.

* Conflict can be quite helpful by increasing communication, building mutual understanding, and forging new agreements that are designed to eliminate its underlying causes.

* While I really do not like confrontations, I am not willing to give in to manipulation just to avoid one.

*Although I feel anxious and somewhat afraid when someone displays anger and hostility, I will not let myself be intimidated. Using anger and hostility as a way of pressuring me into doing something I do not want to do just will not work. I am not to blame if the other person chooses to get angry and hostile. I may not like feeling anxious and afraid, but I can tolerate it. Letting myself be manipulated feels a lot worse.

(The last 3 affirmations are from "Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life", p.225-227, by Harriet B. Braiker.)

Melodie's suggestions for dealing with anger (note that the book has more detail than what I am listing here):

* Address any myths we have subscribed to about anger.

* Feel the emotion.

* Acknowledge the thoughts that accompany the feeling.

* Examine the thinking that goes with the feeling.

* Make a responsible decision about what, in any, action we need to take.

* Don't let anger control us.

* Openly and honestly discuss our anger, when it's appropriate.

* Take responsibility for our anger.

* Talk to people we trust.

* Burn off the anger energy.

* Don't beat ourselves or others for feeling angry.

* Write letter we don't intend to send.

* Deal with guilt.

(p.158-160)

"Once we begin dealing with anger, we may notice we feel angry much of the time. That's common. We're like kids with a new toy. We'll settle down with it. Be patient. We aren't going to deal with it perfectly. No one does. We'll make mistakes, but we'll also learn from them.... Strive for progress." (p.160)

"There is much more to life than anger.

But it's okay to feel anger when we need to." (p.160)

Part 11 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-03-29T20:45:00.000-04:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 13 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context. )

Chapter 13: Feel Your Own Feelings

This chapter really helped me work through an area I've gotten stuck trying to work through: feelings of sadness, anger and fear can be felt, "dealt with" and then decisions or next steps can be taken if needed. Feelings do NOT have to consume and threaten my entire life, happiness and future. I CAN get unstuck!

Many family systems, not just those with alcoholics, "reject emotional honesty and at times appear to demand dishonesty." (p.141) When you've dealt with a lot of pain you can short-circuit to protect yourself.

"Sometimes we make our feelings disappear because we are afraid of them. To acknowledge how we really feel would demand a decision - action or change - on our part." (p.142)

For both Alcoholics and Codependents, the answer for healing that has worked for many is: "Keep dealing with your feelings. And go to Ala-Non (or AA for Alcoholics)." (p.143) (There is also help from meetings from the Co-Dependents Recovery Society, and you can google it to find the website and local meetings.)

"Our feelings are important... If we push them away, we lose an important part of us and our lives... Our feelings are also indicators." (p.143) When we feel fear, anger or sadness, our feelings tell us there is a problem. Melodie goes into detail on the dangers and toll it takes on us to live in fear and pain and getting stuck in our emotions. (p.144) And "repressed feelings don't go away." (p.145)

"The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings... And if we don't deal with our feelings we don't change and we don't grow. We stay stuck." (p.145)

"So what's the solution?... We can feel: mad, sad, glad, and scared... It doesn't mean we have to devote an extraordinary amount of our lives to wallowing in emotional muck.... We take a few moments, acknowledge the sensation, and move on to the next step." (p.146)

Next, "we appropriately respond to our emotion. We examine the thoughts that go with it, and we accept them without repression or censorship."

"Then, we decide whether there is a next step... We evaluate the situation, then choose a behavior in line with our moral code and our new ideal self-care.... We may need to correct certain disaster-oriented thought patterns... Is the problem something we can solve? Does it concern another person? Is it necessary or appropriate to discuss the feeling with that person?"

(In Chapter 17 Melody discusses communication, so I will be sharing further insights on this in a future blog. I have also recently discovered Cheryl Richardson's "The Art of Extreme Self-Care," which is also very helpful on this topic and will be writing further on that book as well.)

"However, we may want to make another decision about how to deal with our feelings. This is especially true if we are consistently reacting to someone's behavior with a great deal of emotional distress, and even after reporting this distress to the person he or she continues causing us pain." (p.148)

We may need to discuss our feelings with a friend, to let them out in the light and gain perspective. And "we may also want to seek professional help if we've been repressing feelings for a long period of time or if we suspect that what we've been repressing is intense" (p.149) This is also true if we fear violence from someone we wish we could express our unhappy feelings to in a safe way or if our anxiety level at the thought of this confrontation and it's aftermath are too high.

Melody says we may also find "intense happy feelings as distracting and scary, or we believe we don't deserve to be happy... It's okay to be happy. It's okay to feel sad. Let the emotional energy pass through, and strive for peace and balance." (p.149)

Melody uses physical exercise, writing letters she doesn't intend to send, talking to people she feels safe with and spending time in meditation to help her get in touch with her feelings. (p.149) I like to read quotes, affirmations, books, visualize my desired life and feelings, listen to music and do yoga.

We can "trust our feelings and trust ourselves. We are wiser than we think." (p.149)

Part 10 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-03-02T20:22:00.005-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 12 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 12: Learn the Art of Acceptance
This chapter was truly a major eye-opener for me. It brought to my awareness that there are many things in my life that were denied, unresolved and repressed, which have kept me locked in the grieving process (also called the healing process/the forgiveness process/the “way that God works with us”, p.138). The intense fear of enduring the pain of facing present and past losses in my life has only served to limit my capacity for peace and well being. And when I look back in my life I see times where I have worked through specific losses to the place of acceptance, and this allows me to KNOW that it is possible for any and all losses including those that I had not acknowledged as being losses. There is a path to peace, healing and forgiveness.

Melody explains that every human being suffers losses, every change brings a loss. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief from the loss of a loved one, but the mental health profession has since acknowledged this process when any loss occurs. (p.134, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying, New York: MacMillan Publishing, 1969). “The loss could be minor – a five-dollar bill, not receiving an expected letter – or it could be significant – the loss of a spouse through divorce or death, the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss – when we buy a new house and leave the old one – and requires a progression through the five stages.” (p.134)

When you have been in or currently are in a close relationship with an alcoholic or person with another compulsive or personality disorder, the losses are major and significant. “Codependents never know what to expect... We are bombarded with problems, losses, and change. We endure shattered windows, missed appointments, broken promises, and outright lies. We lose financial security, emotional security, faith in the people we love, faith in God, and faith in ourselves. We may lose our physical well-being, our material goods, our ability to enjoy sex, our reputation, our social life, our career, our self-control, our self-esteem, and ourselves.” (p.130)

Melody goes on to say “Perhaps the most painful loss many codependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have.” (p.130) This can also mean coming to terms with the fact that your past and past relationships never were what why had idealized them to be, that you remained in denial about them. I recently came to terms with this reality about a relationship with an immediate family member. It never was a happy, healthy relationship, this person was never happy or healthy, and unless they were to make a decision to change at this point or in the future, I never would have the type of relationship with them that I longed for. And I have grieved that loss and have finally come to acceptance of that and finally removed my denial of that reality. And I am at peace with that, finally. It's a relief and is freeing.

I know that the fear of pain and the “what if's” of the future can feel insurmountable and paralyzing, but I also know you can conquer your fears as I am doing. I am no better or more blessed than you.

So what are these stages of grief, through denial to acceptance?

1. Denial
If you are codependent, you know this stage well. I believe that many people who are called depressed are actually in denial, as they have learned to not trust others, themselves, and God and they have lost hope, and they believe the way they feel is just “part of life” or “normal”. “There is much anxiety and fear in this stage... Reactions typical of denial include: refusing to believe reality...; denying or minimizing the importance of the loss...: denying any feelings about the loss...; or mental avoidance.” (p.134)
There is much “obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings.” And “we feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves. We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to. Believing lies disrupts the core of our being. The deep, instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, 'You're wrong. Shut up.' According to counselor Scott Egleston, we then decide there's something fundamentally wrong with us for being suspicious, and we label ourselves and our innermost, intuitive being as untrustworthy.” (p.135) I feel that recognizing this is so important to getting our self-esteem back, to starting to live again.
Melody goes on to explain the function of denial, and quotes Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist, “Denial isn't lying. It's not letting yourself know what reality is.” (p.135)

2. Anger
“When we quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable... Depending on the nature of our loss, we may be a little peeved, somewhat angry, downright furious, or caught in the grips of a soul-shaking rage.” (p.136) Melody warns that this is why if you are confronting someone regarding a long-denied or repressed truth it can be potentially frightening and violent, so if you are planning an intervention or someone with a history of violent reactions you should seek professional help.(p.136)

3. Bargaining
“After we have calmed down, we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God... We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it. Sometimes the deals we negotiate are reasonable and productive: 'If my spouse and I get counselling, then we won't have to lose our relationship.' Sometimes our bargains are absurd: 'I used to think that if I just kept the house cleaner or if I cleaned the refrigerator good enough this time, then my husband wouldn't drink anymore,' recalls the wife of an alcoholic.” (p.137)

4. Depression
“When we see our bargain has not worked... we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts... It will disappear only when the process has been worked out and through.” (p.137, quoting Esther Olson, a family counselor who calls this the “forgiveness process”.)

5. Acceptance
This “should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over...” (p.137, quoting Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) “We are at peace... We are free! We have accepted our loss... We have adjusted and reorganized... We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.” (p.137-138)

Melody makes a point about “feeling like we've gone crazy” as we deal with this process! “We will probably go through this process for anything that is a fact in our lives that we have not accepted... We may be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time. We may not know what we are trying to accept... or that we are struggling to accept a situation.” (p.138) But we haven't gone crazy. We are dealing with a process, a necessary process, one we need to understand, one that is necessary. (p.138)

“Because this is a model, we may not go through the stages exactly as I have outlined them. We may travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial... We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each of us, for our well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage... Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any loss – it's the healthy option.” (p.139)

This means allowing yourself to know and work through the truth. And the truth will set you free.

All the best.

Gretchen

Part 9 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-02-15T12:52:00.016-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 11 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 11: Have a Love Affair with Yourself
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” - William Shakespeare

It's time to stop punishing ourselves. It's time to allow ourselves to be happy, even blissful, the way we were always meant to be. It's time to awaken each morning, remembering to, as Wayne Dyer says, “be like that baby you once were in terms of being joyful. You don’t need a reason to be happy. Your desire to be so is sufficient.” KNOW this. BELIEVE this.

Terry Cole-Whittaker points out that “bliss is the intrinsic nature of every soul... We must know that our thoughts and emotions are the very cause of what is happening and then we can, in a moment, change our future for the future... We are creatures of habit, and I was in the habit of trying to be what others wanted me to be instead of trusting and being myself... This required that I be willing to live without others' approval when necessary. Personal freedom requires us to follow our heart's desires and fulfill our divine, glorious destinies, even if others try to discourage or stop us.” (p.38, Live Your Bliss, Terry Cole-Whittaker.) If we do not love ourselves, we will will not believe that we are allowed and deserve bliss.

Melody points out “most codependents suffer from that vague and penetrating affliction, low self-worth.” (p.117)

We think and believe many debilitating myths, including:
• Our thoughts are wrong and inappropriate.
• We're not important.
• Our feelings don't matter.
• We're inferior, inappropriate.
• We should suffer and deserve to suffer. We have no right to be happy.
• We must be ruled by “shoulds” and should live in a constant state of unproductive guilt (which is different than “healthy” guilt, which alerts us to the need for evaluation and learning and the need to consider possible changes and actions, a guilt that can be used to grow and can be worked through and past).
• Our decisions can't be right, so we should change our minds often, but we'll never get it right anyway.
• Everything we've ever done is a mistake.
• God created in us a person totally inappropriate for life.
• We don't do enough.
• Destructive, unhealthy relationships are “normal” and all we will ever have. That's just life. Avoid people or relationships that feel too good or people who see our good or our power: those people must be wrong and not as smart as the ones who cut us down or steal our dreams.
• Everyone else knows more than us and is smarter than us so others should make our decisions and tell us what to do and tell us how to conduct our entire lives.
• We shouldn't enjoy life, or at least not too much.
• We should dwell on past painful memories and fear possible future disasters and “what if's”.
(p.117 - 122)

Alcoholism and other compulsive (or personality) disorders destroy self-worth in alcoholics and codependents and are self-destructive. (p.122)

The best way to stop believing this paralyzing, destructive thoughts is to change our thinking! How? Change the message we tell ourselves. Do it often, do it repetitively until it becomes real to us and our dominate way of thinking. Read on the subject, often. Play Cds, watch DVDs, post messages on our walls, write them on mirrors. We can only get that life we want, we can only make the laws of the universe work in our lives (including the most talked about Law of Attraction) by changing our thinking and this requires ACTION! Action to first change our thinking, then actions to bring the good stuff into our lives based on our new thinking.

Pages 122 to 127 are filled with many wonderful, life and thought changing affirmations to help us to stop torturing ourselves and fill ourselves with self-love, including:
• It's wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are okay. Our feelings are appropriate. We're right where we're supposed to be today, this moment. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we've done wrongs, that's okay; we were doing the best we could.
• We are loving, generous, good-hearted and concerned people – and we're going to learn how to stop allowing ourselves to be tricked into doing things that hurt us.
• We are the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
• We don't deserve second-best relationships! We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. People who love and like us aren't stupid or inferior for doing that. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.
• Give ourselves a hug – we need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. We need to nurture ourselves, rather than expecting someone else to do that for us or in place of us doing it, too.
• If we have real guilt, deal with it. Do what you think you need to do about it. Then move forward. God will forgive us. We need to forgive ourselves.

Melody includes an excerpt from Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden, on pages 125-126. I suggest reading, re-writing and printing the entire thing, as I am only including a small section here. (Please ask in the comments section if you would like me to post the entire excerpt.):

“Of all of the judgements we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.

...To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings.

... To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.

Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall argue, requires enormous independence, courage and integrity.” (Branden, Honoring the Self, 1-4; )

There are many amazing and wise authors and teachers that focus on this self-love and self-healing, including Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Michael Beckwith, Paul Hoffman, Bob Proctor and many more that all can be found on the Internet and through groups on FaceBook. I get daily affirmations and positive quotes from a number of wonderful sources and I encourage you to do the same. Read them often, at least once daily, to build that self love. You deserve it!

(Please share with me in the comments section any authors, books, movies or other sources that you have found especially helpful for building self-esteem.)

All the best!

Gretchen

Part 8 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-02-01T22:16:00.008-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 10 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 10: Live Your Own Life
Ms. Beattie has written another amazing chapter!

When you have done the work to be able to detach, "each of us is left with ourselves." (p.113) Once we stop blaming both ourselves and others, now we can begin to see we can live in joy, we can change. We will stop hurting when we begin to change. (p.114) We can do it! ("I Can Do It!" is the name of a (Louise) Hay House seminar coming to San Diego and Toronto worth checking out this spring. I'll be going to the Toronto event. See www.hayhouse.com.)

We can heal and love and nurture our inner child. We can expose ourselves to loving, wonderful experiences, thoughts and relationships. We can learn to face the anger of others, manipulation and general conflict with courage, grace and faith in God that we were meant to be happy. Guilt can be banished. Peace can be our inner and outer experience.

When we realize that we can love others without making our primary purpose to take care of other people or being an appendage to others, we "tap into our purpose in life". (p.114) The world opens up and we can see a bigger, broader picture and perspective.

Melody explains what self-care is: it's "an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for leading or not living my life. I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well-being.... My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs. I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment." (p.115) Pages 114 to 114 provide excellent affirmations to say daily, which I often do to remind myself of how I deserve to be treated.

There is a new book available by Cheryl Richardson entitled "The Art of Extreme Self Care," which I look forward to reading.

"My decisions will also take into account my responsibilities to others... I will examine and decide exactly what these responsibilities are as I make my decisions." (p.115)

When you have become accustomed to allowing other to decide for you it is a challenge at first to accept that you do have a right and responsibility to make healthy decisions in your own life. Just as we learned to read and write, we can learn self-care and change our paradigms to know it is the only way to get to true health and happiness and in time it will feel normal and will become a part of who we are. Those of us with children can be proud of ourselves for our efforts on their behalf, as a healthy parent teaches healthy habits. If we love ourselves, we can teach them to truly love themselves and life then becomes much easier.

Changing the way we treat ourselves and how we expect others to treat us "may be a shock to us and our family systems at first." (p.115) As it was once said to me, "when you change, the people around you change." The people around you can adapt to the "new you". That implies a change within them. We will also attract new people into our lives, those who are attracted to our new-found confidence and self-respect. And we may decide that there are some who we no longer chose to have the same type of relationship or closeness with, or maybe it's time for a relationship that is unhealthy to end. God and our inner guidance system can help us make these decisions over time. It's all a process and a journey. We learn to relax about change.

"Some of us have falsely believed our needs aren't important and we shouldn't mention them. Some of us even began to believe our needs are bad or wrong, so we've learned to repress them and push them out of awareness... Some of us haven't learned how to get our needs met appropriately." (p. 116)

The solution? "In any given situation, detach and ask "What do I need to do to take care of myself?" Then "listen to ourselves and to our Higher Power. Respect what we hear... We can be gentle with ourselves and accept ourselves. We're not only merely human, we were created and intended to be human. And we can be compassionate with ourselves." (p.116)

Melody explains what giving ourselves what we need looks like. We think we know how to give others what they need, so now it is time to apply it to ourselves. I think if we allow ourselves to think about it for a minute or two, we can figure it out. The first step is just allowing ourselves to do it and knowing it's right - giving ourselves permission to love ourselves and listen to our selves and our inner child. Please read pages 116 and 117 if you just are unsure where to start - and have hope that you CAN trust yourself. You can to eliminate "shoulds" and guilt as well. (p.117)

This self care could include:

Slowing down, having a nap, being alone.

Exercising, doing yoga or meditating.

Being with others, talking, crying, getting a hug, kiss or back rub.

Tending to our responsibilities to others in an appropriate, healthy way.

Releasing anxiety by going to an Al-Anon meeting, reading affirmations or an inspirational book.

Seeing a doctor or counselor.

Taking a class, pursue an interest, hobby or dream - you are allowed!

Setting boundaries with someone or creating a discipline plan for our children.

Deal with our feelings, detach, slow down, make an amend (doing the 12 step program is a later chapter), do an intervention, initiate a relationship, or file for divorce. It's up to us. What do we think we need to do?

Live our own lives - these are all part of pages 116 and 117 and you owe it to yourself and those who love you to read them and take action.

With codependency you learn to not listen to yourself and your intuition. It's time to change that, "forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and congratulate ourselves when we do well. We also get comfortable doing some things poorly and some things with mediocrity, for that is part of life too. We learn to laugh at ourselves and our humanity, but we don't laugh when we need to cry. We take ourselves seriously but not too seriously." (p.117)

I have found that it helps to realize that we don't need to take things personally. Miguel Ruiz writes in "The Four Agreements" about this important concept. Agreement number 2 states: "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the actions and opinions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." (From the website, http://www.miguelruiz.com/. ) I have also learned of a book entitled "What You Think of Me is None of My Business" by Whittaker Cole about taking back your power. Please let me know if you have read it and tell me your thoughts in the comment section, or share any helpful books or movies on the subject.

We can all learn to take care of ourselves. I'm getting better at it all the time! Melody suggests stopping and asking ourselves daily what we need to do to take care of ourselves, or even hourly if you are going through a crisis. (p.118) We can find and live our truth. Having a daily self-care ritual and schedule works for many.

Please share any ideas or tools that you have used to take care of yourself. I do not claim to be an expert - yet!

The very exciting thing is that we can work through these issues, change our paradigms and move forward uncover our ideals, set goals, deal with feelings, work a Twelve Step program, and more, (p.115), and these are topics of later chapters. In my experience, the issues of codependency need to be worked through, not repressed, to get to the place of having the "life of your dreams". And the pace of working things through is different for everyone and should not be judged by others. Live and Let Live.

You are not alone, and neither am I. And I am glad you are part of this journey with me.

All the best!

Gretchen

Part 7 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-01-17T16:10:00.005-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 9 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 9: Undependence

This chapter is about getting "unstuck" in relationships and learning that we CAN take care of ourselves and be happy. It offers hope, encouragement and specific steps we can take to make this happen. (Keep in mind that we are referring to codependency in past or present relationships as well as relationships with people with other compulsive behaviors, as explained in earlier parts of this blog.)

"Whether codependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for... We need someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation and pain." (p.98) These feelings began from situations where people have abandoned, rejected or abused us in the present or past.

(I have experienced these feelings and do now realize it really isn't logical. I have cared for myself and others all my life, and often those who were "caring for and loving" me were not doing this at all, yet I felt I could not live without them, that being "alone" was worse than suffering from abuse! Or that I was "bad" if I expected to be treated better. I've "avoided pain", thinking that if I really said and did what I thought I needed to do, the pain would be too great to handle, or that I would be "wrong". Yet I was instead living with pain and anxiety on a daily basis anyway, not realizing that by dealing with the situation in new ways I could work through the pain to a better, healthy place.)

Melody points out that even the healthiest relationships have a certain amount of emotional dependency, but when we are controlled by a needing people too much and expect the other person to be the key to our happiness, this is unhealthy. "Needing people so much, yet believing we are unlovable and people will never be there for us, can become a deeply ingrained belief." This can ruin also ruin relationships that could be good. Or sometimes we settle for too little and become trapped. (p. 99) This is not the same as love, it is self-destructive. As the distinction between "love" and "addiction" (meaning an addiction to a person or a relationship) can be hard to discern at times, Melody offers a chart comparing and contrasting the two on pages 110 and 111.

Excuses can be made to avoid the reality of a dysfunctional relationship: "But I love him/her!" (p.100) Or, according to Colette Dowling in The Cinderella Complex, we may play tricks on ourselves to disguise our codependency, such as "making someone more than he or she is ('He's such a genius; that's why I stick with him.'), making someone less that he or she is ('Men are such babies; they can't take care of themselves.') and - the favorite trick of codependents - caretaking." (p.101) (Caretaking was discussed in an earlier part of the blog.)

"'Undependence' is a term Penelope Russianoff uses in her book to describe that desirable balance wherein we acknowledge and meet our healthy, natural needs for people and love, yet we don't become overly or harmfully dependent on them." (p. 100) Melody explains that many of us had unmet needs from mothers and fathers who were unable to meet our needs, so we repeat this cycle in search of love and approval. We've been taught not to trust ourselves, when confronting a lie or inconsistency we are told we are wrong or we're crazy. "We lose faith in that deep, important part of ourselves that feels appropriate feelings, senses truth, and has the ability to handle life's situations... We look at the people around us - sometimes sick, troubled, out of control people - and we think, 'They're okay. They must be. They told me so. So it must be true.'" (p.103)

The wonderful news is that we CAN take care of ourselves and "being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary." But it does take time and effort. Especially if you are emotionally and/or financially dependent on someone.

Melody offers 6 ideas to help, a way to get started towards the healing needed. (She goes into some detail on each, so please check-out the book if you do need this help.)

Finish up business from our childhoods, as best as we can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from our childhoods are affecting what we're doing now. (Doing some reading, writing or therapy around paradigms, self-esteem and grief and loss will help. I can offer numerous books on the subjects, so please ask if you'd like suggestions. You can find me on Facebook.)
Nurture and cherish the frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it.
Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
We can learn to depend on ourselves. Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us.
We can depend on God, too. He's there, and He cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security.
Strive for undependence. Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.

I offer a 7th tip: Use repetition to get the positive, new, healthy affirmations and ideas into your head. Reading this once is just a start, and just as the negative messages were drilled into you over time, it will take time to sort through them and re-program yourself with the good, healthy stuff. If needed, read the messages you need to hear, like this blog or Melody's book, every day, even every hour if needed. Listen to CDs, watch DVDs, go to workshops, go to Ala-Non, see a therapist, talk to a loving friend or family member, have healthy friends and helpful fan pages and groups on Facebook, go to your church/synagogue/mosque or other place of worship, meditate. Do what you need to do as often as you need to do it. There is nothing more important. If you can't receive this love from yourself and God, you can't give from a healthy place either.

Have hope, despite your fear. "You can get through the dark situations. You can take care of yourself and trust yourself. Trust God. Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. It's called One Day at a Time." (p.109)

If I can do it, so can you. : ) xo

Part 6 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2010-01-02T16:43:00.007-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 8 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.

Chapter 8: Remove the Victim
This chapter is powerful and very important.

Stephen B. Karpman observed the following pattern with codependents as caretakers - rescuers. (From Claude M. Steiner, Scripts People Live.) “They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized.” (p.83) He called this the Karpman Drama Triangle. You picture the triangle – RESCUER on the top, PERSECUTOR on the bottom right, VICTIM on the bottom left.

So what is RESCUING? Caretaking, taking care of their responsibilities, enabling (“a destructive form of helping”). “As counselor Scott Egleston says, we rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being – for that person's thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny.” (p.84)

When doing this, it often creates feelings: “discomfort and awkwardness about the other person's dilemma; urgency to do something; pity; guilt; saintliness; anxiety extreme responsibility for the person or problem; fear; a sense of feeling compelled or forced to do something; mild or severe reluctance to do anything; more competency than the person we are “helping: or occasional resentment at being in that position. We also think that person we are taking care of is helpless and unable to do what we are doing for him or her. We feel needed temporarily.” (p.85)
There is an important distinction between healthy “acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping – situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. Rescuing and caretaking isn't.” (p.85)

What is PERSECUTION, that next corner of the triangle? “We become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously “helped.” We've done something we didn't want to do, we've done something that was not our responsibility to do, we've ignored our own needs and wants, and we get angry about it.” (p.85) Then they often are not grateful or appreciative, so now we are resentful and move them to the persecution corner.

The result is the final move: VICTIMIZATION. “This is the predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue. Feelings of helplessness, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity abound. We have been used – again.” (p.86)

Melody points out the important fact that “many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims – of someone's abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of other situations that can victimize people.” I must add that many people are also victimized by people who are manipulators, those with personality disorders (such as narcissism and borderline personality disorders), those with mental illness or others with habits and/or addictions that interfere with healthy, happy, functioning relationships. But “rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love. The Drama Triangle is a hate triangle. It fosters and maintains self-hate, and it hinders our feelings for other people.” (p87)

The problem is “we don't assume responsibility for our highest responsibility – ourselves.” (p.89)

Melody also notes that if you are in a professional helper role for your job and are feeling you are giving but receiving far less in return, you can develop this feeling of victimization.(p.89) Caring for infant children can also create codependent blues if that person does not take care of him – or herself. (p.91)

They heart of most rescues is low self-worth. “We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. We don't feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are. We rescue because we don't feel good about other people either” and their ability to handle responsibilities. (p.91)

Melody talks about the Bible, God and giving. I have a limited understanding of non-Christian religious beliefs, but much of what she says is probably in-line with other belief systems. She believes, and I agree, that God “wants us to give from a position of high self-esteem... If we absolutely can't feel good about something we're doing, then we shouldn't do it – no matter how charitable it seems. We also shouldn't do things for others that they ought to and are capable of doing themselves.” (p.93)

I have taken this information to heart in the past few weeks and it is making a big impact in my life already. As Melody states, “We can learn to recognize a rescue. Refuse to rescue. Refuse to let people rescue us. Take responsibility for ourselves, and let others do the same. Whether we change our attitudes, our circumstances, our behaviors, or our minds, the kindest thing we can do is remove the victims – ourselves.” (p.94)

Part 5 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2009-12-16T22:02:00.006-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapter 7 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.

Chapter 7: Set Yourself Free
I am not someone who believes in “meaningless coincidences”. What I believe is that if you are getting a message multiple times in multiple ways in a short period of time, you need to PAY ATTENTION & LEARN SOMETHING!

So I do not think it was just a coincidence that I got the same message this past week from Melody's book, another book I'm reading (“You Were Born Rich” by Bob Proctor) and from a CD I was listening to from “The Science of Getting Rich” (by Michael Beckwith, Bob Proctor and Jack Canfield, who were all part of “The Secret”). The message: “Let Go and Let God”!

I was also reminded of this message today from Lee, my boyfriend, when a situation arose for me that I got very stressed about and he said “all you can do is make your desires known, then it is out of your hands and others will make the choices they make”. And it's really that simple, but not always easy in the mind of a codependent!

Chapter 7 focuses on the fact that codependents are controllers. We don't think we are. We think other people are controlling. They are trying to force us to think and do things, to manipulate us. And maybe that is the case, but rather than take responsibility for our part and our reactions we often do not accept this responsibility.

Melody lists the many ways we control, including trying to talk into, demonstrate how much we've been hurt, trying to please, being martyrs, doing things we don't want to do, give into.... (p.76). It's a long list!

Then there are “justifications” for trying to force things to happen: “we're only trying to help, we know best how things should go and how people should behave, we're right and they're wrong.” We afraid not to control. We don't know what else to do. We want to stop the pain and it's the way we've always done things. (p.76)

And I can now see this in myself. I didn't know how to NOT control, I didn't know how to let go or how to really “trust God”. You know the song “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood? Well I would only let Jesus share the wheel as long as I was holding it with him! But there is a better way.

As Melody says, we “hold on tightly and don't let go... If we charge ahead insistently enough, we can (we believe) stop the flow of life, transform people, and change things to our liking. We are fooling ourselves.” (p.77) “When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests.” (p.80) This reminds me of a statement made earlier in the book about codependence being a way to get our needs met that doesn't get our needs met. We just don't know any other way to do things that feels safe.

Pages 80 to 81 have such powerful messages for those having a hard time letting go, even when the person you are dealing with has no addictive or compulsive disorder. Melody believes (and now so do I, thanks largely to Melody's teachings) and states “that clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about the situation, the person or me. My controlling blocks God's power. It blocks other people's ability to grow. It stop events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people or events.” (p.80)

People change when they want to change, and if they appear to change because we are trying to force the change, it is usually only superficial. “They will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.” (p.81)

“We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can't even guarantee or control that... The only person that it is our business to control is yourself. “ (p. 81) That simple statement is so powerful. And if we “let go and let God” he will help us do that.

“When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.” (p.82)

Amen to that!

(I'll be back next time with Chapter 8.)

Part 4 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2009-11-30T01:42:00.006-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapters 5 and 6 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.

Chapter 5: Detachment
The focus here is on what detachment is and why a codependent would want to do it, really why you must do it for a healthier, happier life. “It appears that even our Higher Power can't do much with us until we have detached.” (p.57) Once you get that part at least somewhat under control and you find some calmness, some peace, you will be able to then move the focus where it belongs, on you.

The thought of detaching from the person or persons that you are obsessing over at first does not seem “right” or possible. It seems we're just being “who we are” or being a "good person", doing what “God wants”. One reason for this distorted view is codependents confuse love and caring with unhealthy “attachment, which is becoming overly-involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled.” (p. 57) We lose ourselves.

Forms of attachment are on page 58, and are worth listing here:
• We may become excessively worried about, and preoccupied with, a problem or person (our mental energy is attached).
• Or, we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our environment (our mental, physical, and emotional energy is directed at the object of our obsession).
• We may become reactionaries, instead of acting authentically or our own volition (our mental, emotions, and physical energy is attached.)
• We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us (now we're really attached).
• We may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us).

I realized in my adulthood that I was experiencing this excessive worry often when it came to my mother. Granted, she expected and reinforced this behavior in me her entire life. But I finally realized one day when I was once again re-arranging my whole life to “immediately” drive 5 hours to see my mother and bring her “things she needed”, that this was not healthy. Helping my mother, caring and wanting to be with her were not the problem, it was this sense of urgency and obligation to make sure her needs were met NOW without full regard to if the timing was good for me and my family that made my behavior codependent. It was like I and I alone was my mother's keeper, I felt responsible for making her happy. And when others refer to you as “responsible, giving, loving”, you can often feel that you are being “good” and doing the right thing. Again, It's not about NOT helping, it's about how and when you help, what is motivating you and if you are also getting your own needs met, if they are even being considered.

(There can also be situations when we are “helping” or “fixing” someone when it is not requested, the person we keep losing sleep over and worrying about does not want our help or interference! As explained in earlier chapters, this “help” can be seen as being manipulative and controlling and can make others push us away.)

Worrying “is wasted energy... Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act and take care of ourselves. We lose control.” (p. 58) “Maybe we are afraid to let go, because when we let go in the past, terrible hurtful things happened.” (p.61)

Detachment “may be scary at first, but it will ultimately work better for everyone involved. (p.61)

So what is “detaching”? “Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve... We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing.” (p.62) “It involves present moment living and accepting reality – the facts.” (p. 63)

Sometimes it helps to be “given permission” to detach, before you allow yourself to do this, as we may see it as being selfish in a negative way. I give you permission to detach. Melody Beatty gives you permission. And I truly believe that God gives you permission. God wants you to not only respect and honor others, but to respect and honor yourself. You deserve that, you deserve to have peace and to be happy.

How do we detach? Melody gets into more detail in later chapters, but here she suggests an Ala-Non and AA three-part formula: “'HOW': Honesty, Openness and Willingness to try... You need a little humility, surrender, and effort and it can become a habitual response with practice.” (p.64)

When should we detach? “When we feel we can no longer live with the problem we've been trying to live with.” (p.65)

"Although it is difficult, detach in love, or detach in anger, but strive for detachment... If you can't let go completely, try to 'hang on loose'. Relax. Sit back. Now take a deep breath. The focus is on you.” (p.66)

Chapter 6: Don't Be Blown About by Every Wind
“Most codependents are reactionaries... We react with fear and anxiety... WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT.” (p.67, 68)

Melody goes on to explain why we do this, and even more importantly, states that we don't have to! “We don't have to be so afraid of people" and feelings. "We don't have to forfeit our peace... We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything... We don't have to take things so seriously... We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-image... We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth... We don't have to take things so personally... We have options.” (p.69-71)

Melody also makes it clear that reactions can be normal and useful, it's the reacting too much that is the problem.

Thankfully, she then gives tips to help us to detach with more detail than listed here. These are worth reading and re-reading as it is “simple, but not easy”. (Actually, the whole book is worth reading and re-reading!)
1. Learn to recognize when you're reacting, when you are allowing someone or something to yank your strings.
2. Make yourself comfortable, relax.
3. Examine what happened.
4. Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. (p.73-74)

“You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight. If you can't get peaceful about a decision, let it go. It's not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and your emotions are calm. Slow down. You don't have to feel so frightened. You don't have to feel so frantic. Keep things in perspective. Make life easier for you.” (p.74)

I am so glad that I am allowed to do that. Thank you God, for the help and support of Melody Beattie and others in my life now and those who will be in my life in the future, who will give me more of the support, answers and love I need.

(Next time I will blog about Chapter 7. Goodnight!)

Part 3 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2009-11-24T19:16:00.007-05:00

This week I am writing about Chapters 3 and 4 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.

Chapter 3: Codependency
This chapter reveals that the term “codependency” has been defined many different ways and it is hard to find one, agreed upon definition. There are many definitions mentioned, among them:
1. Being a partner in dependency (p.31)
2. An emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems. (p.32)
3. It means I'm always looking for someone to glob onto. (p.32)
Never thought of it like #3, but that's humorous and to the point and has been true of me far too often!

A common denominator that produces codependency is an “unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit: discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one's self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change – however healthy and beneficial that movement may be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.” (p.35) Wow, do I recognize these patterns in my life. But it's very empowering to realize is that they are not “normal” or healthy and that I can and should change them in my life.

Defining the problem helps determine the solution. “It means feeling better. It means recovery... The heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other person – no matter how much we believe it does.” (p.36)

And this next part is so key, something I've tried to understand for a few years and really just could not get. And reading this over twice this week made me really, finally get it: Recovery “lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive “helping,” caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance of the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.” (p.36)

(I have felt that “grief process.” Melody does not elaborate on that here, so I hope she does later in the book, but if she does not, I will look for something else on the grief process and how it can play out in dysfunctional relationships.)

But “Friends, we have suffered enough. We have been victimized by diseases and people. Each of us must decide what part we played in our victimization.” (p.37) That's the only way to take control, to not be “the victim”, to move through and beyond the depression and hopelessness of disempowerment.

Melody points out that “as a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, we become more affected and react more intensely to it. The word react is important here...codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act... It is heroic and life-saving to learn how to not react and to act in more healthy ways. Most of us, however, need help to learn to do that.” (p.38)

She goes on to say that a codependents habits become habitual and self-destructive. They “lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships, relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that my otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives – ourselves.” It's our problem, but we can change.

Chapter 4: Codependent Characteristics
This chapter starts with the well-known Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. (p.41)

I have always struggled with the last part, as I mistakenly thought I should be able to change anything that is not pleasing to me and should keep trying to “force” my way for an indefinite time in as many ways as possible! Fortunately, as I am healing and becoming healthier, I am learning more and more and gaining that “wisdom to know the difference”, thankfully! (I know that part of my issues are rooted in the fact that since I was young it was assumed that I would look after my alcoholic and bipolar mother and play the mother role to my 3 brothers before and after my mother left when I was 12.)

Part of the healing is realizing that “having these problems does not mean we're bad, defective or inferior.” (p.41) And we don't need to carry shame or guilt over what we did or didn't do in the past. “Most of us started doing these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs... Most of us have been trying to cope with outrageous circumstances, and these efforts have been both admirable and heroic. We've done the best we could... Many codependents are barely surviving, and most aren't getting their needs met... Codependency is a way of getting our needs met that doesn't get our needs met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.” (p.42)

The paradigms of codependents are so deeply rooted that in my experience it is not an easy task to dissect them and allow yourself to change, even if you are consciously trying. In my case, the first major step was when I drove into a truck repair shop about 9 year ago. My 3 year old son had been playing with the buttons for the window control in my husband's truck. He played with it repeatedly and broke the control. I knew my husband would be extremely upset with me and my son, so I immediately drove to the repair shop to get it fixed. The woman who I spoke to when I brought in the vehicle said she wasn't sure if they could get it fixed that day. I got visibly upset and asked her if there was anything that they could do to fix it right away. When she questioned me further, I explained that my husband would be upset and I would rather have it fixed first and tell him after. She put one hand on each of my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said “No one should ever have to be afraid to tell anyone anything.” Well that did it! I started balling with this complete stranger in the auto repair shop! With just a few words she saw through to my soul – the fear, the pain, the secrets, the struggle to try to make things right. That did it – the damn had broken. Later that day I found a therapist in the phone book and made my first appointment to deal with MY problem. After that, other people, events, books and ideas have crossed my path and have moved me forward to continue getting happier and healthier. Maybe the help and answers were there before that, I just didn't really see them until that day, until I clearly saw that I had a problem that I was no longer willing to live with.

As Melody points out: “The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” (p.42) She then goes on to point out the many characteristics of codependents in detail, in 10 pages and divided into 14 categories. I will just list the categories here, but if you have real interest in this subject it is well worth reading them for yourself, especially if you are searching for awareness and answers for yourself or a loved one.

The 14 categories of codependent characteristics that Melody compiled include:
Caretaking
Low-Self-Worth
Repression
Obsession
Controlling
Denial
Dependency
Poor Communication
Weak Boundaries
Lack of Trust
Anger
Sex Problems
Miscellaneous
Progressive

If you think you are codependent, “what's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.” (p.53)

It's so key to realize that “it is a paradoxical dependency. Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent. They look strong but feel helpless. They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves, sometimes by an illness such as alcoholism.” (p.54)

But the fantastic thing is that discovering and working on codependency does not need to be long and gruelling! And this next part is a bit long, but I MUST re-print it all because it is so important:

“Recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love – some of the good stuff we've all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy. And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with.

Recovery is not only fun, it is simple. It is not always easy, but it is simple. It is based on the premise many of us have forgotten or never learned: Each person is responsible for him- or herself. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves. "(p.54)

And I am very excited about that as I move forward in my recovery!! (On to Chapters 5 and 6 next week!)

Part 2: Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2009-11-15T11:34:00.008-05:00

This week I am writing about the Preface, Introduction, Chapter 1 & 2.

Preface

Melody writes: "With compassion and boundaries, we need to commit fully to loving God, ourselves and others. We need to commit fully to trusting God, ourselves and our process... We are on time, and we are where we need to be. We can be trusted. So can God. And letting go and gratitude still work. Keep your head up and your heart open." (p. 4)

I find these words comfort me, give me hope and light. I wish for this work on my codependency to take me to some challenging places, as I explore the "rooms" of my mind and soul and subconscious. I want to understand and change my paradigms that prevent me from living the abundant, joyful life that I know God wants me to experience. I've often not allowed myself to "feel the pain of truth", hiding in denial. That left me with confusion, sadness, disempowerment and the dull pain of being a "victim". That's not living! So, as Melody suggests, I march forward to bigger and better places as I learn and grow. I'm facing my fear and doing it anyway, I'm doing this for me.

A major step to understanding "what was wrong with me" was about 4 years ago, when I opened up to a friend about problems I was facing in my marriage and with my children. He had experienced his own issues with codependency, recognized my issues and shared tools that could help me. I was introduced to Melody's book and the website for Co-Dependents Anonymous, or CoDA, at http://www.codependents.org/ . I also started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I had avoided my whole life due to my misconception that it was about focusing even more on the alcoholics in my life, rather than it's true focus on my healing. I continue to work on trusting God and myself and "letting go". I am re-addressing these issues with openness and enthusiasm in search of further growth.

This book looks at very various "addictions" or compulsive disorders that we encounter, usually initially when we are young, that turn everyone affected by the illness into victims who carry the affects. "Whether the person you've let yourself be affected by is an alcoholic, gambler, foodaholic, workaholic, sexaholic, criminal, rebellious teenager, neurotic parent, another codependent, or any combination of the above, this book is for you, the codependent." (p.10) I personally have also identified people addicted to control, power, anger and money who I have allowed to create havoc in my life.

Introduction

Melody describes her personal experiences in the 1960's. She says "Although I didn't know what codependents were, I usually knew who they were. As an alcoholic and addict, I stormed through life, helping create other codependents." (p.5) She was told in the 1970's in her professional work with recovering addicts and alcoholics to organize a support group for wives in this program, and was given no training or information on how to do that. She did not understand codependents and saw them as "hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt pro ducting, difficult to communicate with, and more." (p.5) She "worked with women who were experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet these women doubted their ability to take care of themselves... Most codependents were obsessed with other people yet couldn't see themselves. They didn't know what they were feeling. They weren't sure what they thought. And they didn't know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems - if, indeed, they had any problems other than the alcoholic." (p.6)

When you live as an unenlightened codependent you don't see how people could view you like that, you're just doing what is normal to you. You're just being "responsible", "giving" or being a "Christian"! And with me, I had suppressed anger, as I saw uncontrolled anger and didn't know how to express mine appropriately or feel it was acceptable for me to express at all. I now view anger as a step up from disempowerment and depression, which you can move through and "up the emotional scale" to a better feeling place. ("Ask and It is Given", Abraham-Hicks)

As Melody educated herself, she grew to see codependents differently. "I saw people who were hurting, confused people who needed comfort, understanding, and information. I saw victims of alcoholism who didn't drink but were nonetheless victimized by alcohol. I saw victims struggling desperately to gain some kind of power over their perpetrators" and themselves. (p.9)

"'The chemically dependent partner numbs the feelings and the non-abuser is doubled over in pain - relieved only by anger and occasional fantasies,' wrote Janet Geringer Woititz in an article form the book 'Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue.'" (p.9)

"This book is about your most important and probably most neglected responsibility: taking care of yourself. It's about what you can do to start feeling better." (p.10) It's about "stopping the pain and gaining control of your life." (p.11) I'm so glad - that's what I want!

Chapter 1: Jessica's Story

Melody tells the story of a women's struggles in life, as she lives her days with an alcoholic husband, financial problems, lies, no energy, anger beneath the surface, marital decay and frustration as a parent. Jessica says "I always felt like I lost - with my kids and with my husband. No one ever listened to me; no one took me seriously. I didn't take me seriously." (p.18) "I had been tricked, betrayed. My home and family - the place and people who should have been warm, nurturing, a comfort, a haven of love - had become a trap. And I couldn't find a way out." (p.19) "I had lost control." (p.20)

Melody helped Jessica in her healing process, to get better, to start living her own life and to learn:

She wasn't crazy; she was codependent.

Once you've got codependency, you've got it. It is similar to picking up a destructive habit.

If you want to get rid of it, you have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.

I love that. It's clear, concise and gives hope. Wow. Putting the drama aside and moving to understanding and action, this is where the power is.

Chapter 2: Other Stories

Melody goes through 7 examples of people she has worked with to help them find solutions. Each story reveals people with dysfunction and pain. They were in relationships and lives that weren't working. They were mistreated in the present and/or past in various forms by a variety of people: by those who drank, cheated on them in marriage, a troubled teen who was "running and ruining" his mother's life, a sex-addicted spouse also addicted to pornography. Some worked in the chemical dependency, mental health and nursing fields. Some reported care-giving roles that they resented or left them drained.

One woman, Kristen, reported no compulsive disorders in her family, but reported that "other people's moods control her emotions; she, in turn, tries to control their feelings.... Somehow, I just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them.... I'm not terribly unhappy, but I'd like to learn how to relax and start enjoying myself and other people." (p.29, 30) Kristen may have been influenced by societal views of woman or religious teachings. In my experience, the interpretation of Roman Catholic teachings taught to me by my mother and nuns in school taught me that "good girls care for others, always put other's needs above their own, and must never get divorced". What was lacking was the message that God wants us to respect and honour ourselves and to have self-esteem. It took me into my 40's to recognize and work on changing these limiting paradigms.

The people in the examples received help in the form of counseling, a self-esteem course, an assertiveness class, Al-Anon (12 step support group for codependents in current or past relationships with alcoholics) and Co-SA (like Al-Anon for those in current or past relationships with sex addicts). "A common thread runs through all stories of codependency... It involves the effects people have on us and how we, in turn, try to affect them." (p.30)

I am not alone and I look forward to using what I am learning to empower myself to get better results from my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Next week I will read and write about Chapter 3 and 4 of "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie.

Thank you so much for this book, Melody.

Part 1: Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2009-11-03T20:45:00.002-05:00

While I have realized for about 3 1/2 years that I have "codependency issues," I am just now deciding to do some real work on understanding what this means and doing what it takes to heal. My goal is to release the "victim mentality" and replace is with "trust in my path, my process and my Higher Power", with the ultimate goal of living a more joyful life.

I've picked reading "Codependent No More" and writing about what I learn as my initial tool towards greater health, as the author, Melody Beattie, is well respected for her books on the subject. Plus, I already had the book from when I bought it on a wonderful friend's suggestion and read half of it 3 1/2 years ago!

On a regular basis I will read chapters and will blog about what I see as highlights and eye openers and will share a bit of my personal insights, although I'll keep my extended personal thoughts to myself in my journal.

Why am I blogging about this?

1) To give myself a form of accountability and increase my sense of urgency, as this is important for me to do for myself.

2) To improve my writing skills.

3) To learn how to blog, as this is my very first attempt.

4) I've discovered via my Face Book friends and groups that I am not alone in the need to work on this issue and the desire for growth, healing, abundance, meaning and joy in my life. If reading this can help someone have a better understanding of themselves or someone they love, that would be just amazing.

This week I am reading the Introduction, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. If you want to get the book and read along with me and share your insights, that would be great.

Talk to you next week!

Gretchen